This past year has been a busy one with the release of my first children’s book “Silly Momma” and now with the release of the second book in the series entitled “My Mema Has Wings”. I knew “My Mema Has Wings” was going to be a special book but did not realize how special until just weeks before it was to be out.
My husband and I had found out on August 16th of this year that we were expecting our first little bundle of joy. As most would-be parents are, we were ecstatic and nervous about this new change that was coming our way. Then on September 21st, I miscarried at 9 weeks. The emotions that overwhelmed me are indescribable, yet those who have experienced it know exactly what I am talking about.
Just hours before the worst night of my life, my husband and I had our picture made for the back cover of “My Mema Has Wings”. I knew I wasn’t feeling just right, but had no idea what was about to happen. Around 10:00 that night, I knew something was terribly wrong. Then at 3:00 in the morning we rushed to the ER in Huntsville where the doctor there confirmed my worst nightmare. We returned home at about 8:00 in the morning only to turn right around and head back to Huntsville to see my OB/GYN. There it was confirmed once again that I had lost this baby I so loved. I am so thankful for both my ER doctor (Dr. Johnson…I believe) and my OB/GYN, Dr. Gregg DeLilse in Huntsville, Alabama, for their sensitivity and care through all of this. Though it is a situation they see more than they would like to, they were very understanding to the flood of emotions that were flowing out of me.
Many do not comprehend the love that I have for this baby since I was so early in the pregnancy, but then again, those who don’t understand have never walked that road. I went thru weeks of grieving this loss and, thank God, I have such a wonderful family, church family (The Rock Family Worship Center Scottsboro and Huntsville…I love you all!), and friends that stood by me and prayed for me every step of the way. I don’t know what I would have done without them.
All during this we were trying to get the finishing touches on the book so we would be able to stay on schedule with its release date. Mike and Kim Dozier (www.mkadesigns.com) not only took on a lot of the decision making because my mind just was not on it, but they were also there everyday for me emotionally. When Mike pieced together the back of the book that held our picture, my shredded emotions were torn once again. It was so hard for me to look at because it held so many memories of that horrific night. I contemplated changing the picture many times. But as the days went on and God’s peace began to settle in on my life, I realized that the back cover had come together more beautifully than I could have ever imagined it. Not that the picture is great by any means. I still look at that picture and can tell that something is wrong, but it couldn’t be more perfect to have that picture of me, still carrying our precious child, with the little poem I had written months before scripted underneath:
“May you always laugh and smile,
Though this home now I must leave.
I take with me a piece of you,
And leave you a piece of me.”
A part of me will always be missing now, yet a part of my little one will always stay with me as well. I still have bad days every now and then when I just melt into tears with the thought of the child I will never hold here on earth, yet I trust my Father and know that even though it seems chaotic to me, He will raise beauty out of the ashes. I share my experience and thoughts in hopes that it will help someone going thru a miscarriage or loss of a child. I also wanted to encourage those who will be there for the parents when it seems like their world is crashing in. A baby is formed at the moment of conception, and when a miscarriage occurs, it is a death. It was so hard for me to hear people say, “Oh, you will have another one. You’re still young”, “This isn’t the end” or “It just wasn’t God’s timing”, because I was grieving this child that I had lost and that God had formed with purpose. Even though people said these things with good intentions, it was salt in my wound. What had happened was not an inconvenience or a mere minor event; it was the loss of part of me that I had so many hopes and dreams for. Two of my pastors, Henry and Pat Lee, sent me a card that spoke an endless amount of comfort to me. They said that it was not God’s will for me to have a miscarriage (or the lack of it being “God’s timing”), but these things happen because we live in a fallen world. And while it was not God’s will for this to end like it did, His promise is that He will work all things to the good of those who love Him…and He has proved Himself faithful in that. Those who have cried with me and acknowledged the precious life that was lost have helped in this ongoing healing process. Though I know this is something I will never get over, I am learning how to deal with it on a daily basis. I will carry this with me for all of my days and this child will always hold a special place in my heart. Below is the one journal entry I did just days after my miscarriage. Though the last part of it has not come to pass yet, I know it will…because God is SO faithful!
Sincerely,
Allison Bass Osborne
Allison Bass Osborne lives in her hometown of Scottsboro, Alabama with her wonderful husband, Jason, the sweetest chocolate lab ever, Solomon, and two very funny and mischievous IGGIES (www.italiangreyhound.org/rescue), Silas and Bella. She graduated from Athens State University with a BS in Behavioral Science and is presently pursuing her Master’s degree with the University of West Alabama in School Counseling.
